Preparation time: 1 hour
Cooking time: 3 hours
Serves: 6-8 or 2 Ukrainians
Dietary guidance: v
14 Heads of Garlic (heads, not cloves you sissy).
3 Large Onions (the stronger the better you sissy).
3 Medium Sized Leeks (No, that doesn't mean you pee 3 times).
3 Cartons, 900 ml each, low sodium chicken broth (or home made if you're not a sissy).
2 tsp. ground Thyme (please don't crush a time piece).
2 tsp. fresh ground pepper (not the stuff that has "Dr." in front of it).
2 tsp. Kosher salt (or just bless your usual brand).
2 Tbsp. Dried Parsley (the stuff that left Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme and killed S&G!).
2 Tbsp. Sesame Oil (makes the Garlic open up and.....sesame!).
1 Litre Half-n-Half (the white stuff, not a she-male)
2 Bottles of dry red wine (the good stuff that you don't feed the kids).
1.) Open both bottles of wine to allow it to breath.
2.) Start peeling heads / cloves of garlic. This should only take about 12 hours. You will need to clip off both ends of the garlic once peeled and then put all into a roasting pan (turkey roaster works good). After the first couple of heads you will realize what the wine is for. Start drinking. It's the only way that you will live through this. After 4 heads your fingers will start to bleed. That's okay, only 10 more heads of garlic to go. No one said this would be easy. Just keep drinking.
3.) Have someone sober peel and cut the onions into quarters or eights. By this time it doesn't matter. Throw these in with the garlic. Don't worry, they're related.
4.) Have same sober person clean and cut the leeks. By this time you will need to take a leak as well. White and light green parts of the leek only. "Leek" not "leak". Fire those bad boys into the roaster as well. Once again, they are from the same Dirty Clan, so don't worry!
5.) Put away the first empty wine bottle, go pee again, wash your hands, and cover the goodies with the chicken stock.
6.) Start pouring a glass out of the second bottle, swear at the family and continue.
7.) Add spices to the witches brew and pour sesame oil over top and a few dabs behind each ear.
8.) Cover roaster with tin foil and pass out after setting the oven to 350 F.
9.) Call the front desk and ask for a wake up call for 90 minutes.
10.) Once you wake up, remove roaster from oven and allow to cool for one hour while you have some more wine to avoid the impending hangover.
11.) Blend the smelly, ugly concoction in batches (what did you call me) in a blender until smooth.
12.) This is your base (and there's lots of it). If you wish to freeze any of this now is the time to do it. Have someone sober put this in freezer zip lock bags as you will just spray the house with it if you try to do it yourself.
13.) The Half-n-Half has no booze in it so we will have to use it in the recipe. Heat up the base and mix in 1 part Half-n-Half to 5 parts base. Simmer on low heat. While this is happening, sweet talk someone, that you cussed out earlier, to go to the Jar store to get you another bottle of wine.
14.) Prior to serving, test for seasoning (freshly ground nutmeg always gives it a nice kick, or salt and pepper).
15.) Best served with fresh sourdough bread and WINE!